What Matters Most

I've tried for several days to sit down and write. It just hasn't been there. Mother's day has come and gone and I still don't know what it is I want to say. I have had a lot on my mind this morning. Not just this morning, but lately. Like the last several months. And it does have to do with mothers, more specifically, Cory's mom. It also has to do with life and what is most important. I'm going to approach a very sensitive and deep subject. I just hope it will all come out right.
As Cory and I have watched his mom suffer with cancer the last few years, more especially, the last few months, it has given me a lot of pause to reflect on my own life.
Since Cindy has been sick, things have been different. I can't say we have had a lot of fun memories. This is my first experience watching someone this close to me suffer like this. It is not a lot of fun. It's difficult when I don't really know or understand what she is going through. I've never been in that much pain. I've never been that sick before. So, I've tried to think, what would I do if I were in her shoes. I've asked myself some pretty serious questions. If I were given a death sentence, how would I respond? If I were in that much pain, how would I handle it? Would I wallow in self pitty? Would I suffer in anger and bitterness and push the ones that mean the most to me away? Would I want to make the most out of the time I had left? Would I gather my loved ones around and let them know how much I love them and enjoy every moment I can with them? Would I find it in me to forgive and let go of supposed offenses? Would I use that time to right my wrongs, to make amends so that I could die with a clear conscience, in peace? While I don't know exactly what I would do, I know how I would want to react. But, in order to answer these honestly, I've had to ask myself a few more questions. Where am I at in my life right now? If I died right now, how would my family remember me? What memories would my boys have of their mother? I'm afraid of the answers to those questions. When faced with life and death, my weaknesses have just sort of hit me right in the face.
Being a mother isn't an easy thing. With each child comes new stresses. I'm afraid having number 5 has been the most challenging. I find myself yelling more and more at my kids instead of building them up and looking for the good things they do. I find myself getting caught up in the unimportant things instead of cherishing those precious moments. I forget sometimes what my true treasures are. I am so serious all the time. Through the stress of it all, I have lost the laughter and joy of motherhood. I'm afraid I'm just not feeling the love. I'm not loving the 'come what mays'. This is where I'm at right now in my life. I worry that if I died right now, the only memories my boys would have of me are those of me getting after them all the time.
My prayer is this morning that I will find the laughter today. And tomorrow. And the next day. Because I know how I want to be remembered. I would want to go with a clear conscience, in peace. Not with the angry feelings that seem to come so often lately. I am just grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ. I need it. Everyday. It is only through Him that I can overcome my weaknesses. I can not do it on my own. I also know that the atonement is for all of us. We are all deserving of the atoning blood of Jesus Christ.
Now, as we prepare to say goodbye to our mother, I would like share some of my memories of her. One of the first times I met Cindy, Cory and I hadn't been dating long. It was a warm summer day in Cedar City. We were at a family gathering, having a lot of fun, laughing and enjoying being together. Cory and I decided we were going to play the grandma with no arms joke on her and Max. We got them good. Cindy was so mad at Cory for making her ask me such a question as 'how many pushups can your grandma do?' Both of my grandmas have passed away and they really did have their arms, but she was made to believe that my grandma didn't have any arms. I can't believe I was so bold to play such a joke on my future mother-in-law. She has never let us live it down.
She spent hours sewing blessing dresses for the only three granddaughters she has. She has put lots of blood, sweat and tears into making blankets and quilts for our weddings, babies, and Christmas. My boys all have several blankets from Grandma Cindy that were made with lots of love. She always made sure we got what we wanted for Christmas. It was tradition that we get together on Christmas Eve where Santa would come. Every year. Every one of us had to sit on his lap and tell him our Christmas wish.
While Cory was deployed shortly after we were married, I cried, a lot. Her and I would talk for hours on the phone. She never knew how much that meant to me. She and I got to attend a session of general conference together. After the session, we went to lunch at her favorite place, Macoroni Grill. Cory happened to call while we were eating. Needless to say, I was a bit distracted. Enough so that when I was driving, I ran a red light and almost caused an accident. Cindy was scared for her life whenever she got in the car with me after that.
Her main concern was her family. She wanted to make sure we were all taken care of. One year at Christmas time, she must have thought Cory and I were having financial difficulties. So, she made us (she doesn't let you tell her no) go with her to the grocery store where she made sure we filled up a couple of carts overflowing with groceries that she paid for. If I remember right, it was about $700 worth. We didn't have to go to the store for at least a month.
I just want to tell you, Cindy how much I love and appreciate you. It was never easy for you, with Max out working hard on the truck to provide for his family, while you were left to raise your children almost on your own. I must say, you did a pretty fine job. You have had a lot of heartache and pain, but I'm grateful for the fine son whom I call my husband that you raised.
This mother's day, while I would love to be able to take away the pain and suffering, my prayer for you is that you will find peace and comfort in knowing that you did the best you knew how. You have lived a good life. As I have thought about you and prayed for you, I have felt strongly that He is very aware of you. That you are His daughter and He does love you, very much. As your time draws nearer, and you prepare to pass through the veil that separates us in this life from those who have passed on, I pray that you will be wrapped in the arms of our Savior and feel of his love. We will miss you here, but know that you will be in a better place. THere is peace in knowing that families are forever. We love you.